Fly away with me tonight...

I told you something bad would happen. And it did. Of course, it always does. I have realized today that saying that you are in love is just another way of saying that you are afraid of being alone. I started looking into the Peace Corps today. I might actually do it. I need to be far far away from this small town. If life was a fairytale and in a snap of my fingers I could be gone, I would definitely fly away and live among the clouds and stars. Somewhere where no one could find me. And love is only an image of heartache and sadness.

11:53am

Its funny when you realize that the one person you know you can't have you find yourself griping onto harder than anyone else. You know that no matter how perfect you feel at that one moment everything will change as soon as they realize you were the mistake. But I guess that's life. No matter how hard you try to change things so you can have the better end of the deal something goes wrong. If life was a fairytale none of it would be like this. You would always have the better end of the deal. And griping on to someone wouldn't be necessary because you would already have them.

O Romeo?

I have been trying to limit myself as to how many posts I put up each week. I can't help it. I just love posting things that I pray to god that I hope no one reads. Haha. Its funny seeing that I now have followers. Its just kind of weird. I never intended for anyone to read any of my posts.
Right now I am sitting in the library trying not to go back to band. We are doing absolutely NOTHING in band right now. Then again it is the last Friday before school is over for my Junior year. Very big unhappy face to that. Its hard to believe that next year I will be a senior and then my high school career will be over. Its also hard to see that guy that I like so much going away for two weeks this summer. I have bad feelings about it. I know when he comes back he won't feel the same way anymore. And it really hurts. But I know I should have started backing away from him long before now.
My situation with him right now is just like one of the greatest lines out of Shakespeare's: Romeo and Juliet.

O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love
And I'll no longer be a Capulet.

Reflection

I walked past the mirror in my room today and saw someone I didn't know. I turned around and looked at myself closely. The girl in the reflection wasn't me. I looked older, maturer. It scared me. Seeing my reflection today was like a bomb dropping. I have finally realized that, yes, I am growing up. I've never wanted to grow up. I've always wanted to live like Peter Pan in Neverland. The land of pirates and children and fairies. The land where growing up is only a myth. I know this sounds completely childish but growing up is my biggest fear beside being alone. I guess in a way I've caused this on myself. I searched for a job and now have one. I have looked at colleges and found one that I'm in love with. I have also selected a major after of years of being undecided. I've thought about life outside of school. And I've learned that in order to get on with life some things must be let go. Like friends and habits. Without realizing it, I have grown up. I may work at a nursery, but I work. Not just babysitting or playing on the playground. I have a job. I take trash out, sweep the floor, clean the bathrooms, vacuum the floors, and mop. And I've found a new appreciation for scented trash bags! Although, every now and then, you can catch me with a shovel and a bucket in the sandbox creating sand castles with the kids. I may have grown up but my childish nature will forever live with me. The little things will always amaze me. And Toys R Us will always be my favorite store. :)

More questions

How do you tell someone that you don't like them without hurting their feelings? How can you be mean when your soul eats you alive every time you do something bad? How can you dislike someone so much yet when you find something that isn't right you tell them to save them from utter embarrassment? I wish I was mean.

Ghost Whisper?

Are you serious? They have canceled the ONLY show I watch on TV?!! Wow. First they take away Kyle XY now they've gone and taken away Ghost Whisper. Thanks. I guess for now on I'll just not watch ANY television. xD

Ughhhhh.

I hurt the ones who love me but love the ones who hurt me. Shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't know what to do. My ex told me last night that if anyone really cared about me then they wouldn't have hurt me... He is right. I loved this guy I couldn't have who hurt me. I cared deeply about this girl who was my best friend and she hurt me... But what he doesn't realize is that he has hurt me as well. Three years ago. And the last time I was actually happy was two weeks ago. And it only lasted four days. There is a song called "Your Face" as well as a song called "A Drop in the Ocean" That describe everything right now. I don't want to lose the memories of the guy I liked but I also don't want the pain of this anymore. He helped me get over my friend leaving me. How do I deal with this? I want him to remain my best friend. But I want to love him as well. It isn't just something you can get over in a day.

Ich liebe ihn

There is sooo much I want to say in this blog but I just KNOW that I can't. Like for example: This amazing guy..
If only he could see himself the way I see him. Hes beyond hansome, Graceful, Loving,...Perfect. I love him. If only he could see all of this. How my day instantly becomes better as soon as he walks into the room. Or how just a glance from him I forget every bad thing that happened to me that day. I love him...

Toys from the '90s :D

Do you remember the Sit N' Spin? What about the original Polly Pocket? Or maybe the Easy Bake Oven? Oh! What about Cooties?! If only kids born today would have the joy of these toys. Now kids have the luxury of the sit n spin with added music and lighting effects giving parents around the world extreme migraines. And polly pocket is now BIGGER with added slutty features and rubber clothes! The easy bake oven is always getting better and you never hear about Cooties anymore. I'm glad I was born in 1992. I had plenty of time to appreciate the happiness of amazing toys!

5/12/2010

Today has been better but not in the way that I wish. How can I love someone that I can't have? I barely even know that answer. I just keep praying that god will help me through this. I know he will. Things will get better. I just have to keep my head up.

Questions.

What do you do when you love someone that you can't have? Do you just forget about it or move on no matter how much they are on your mind? What If they are all you think about and the only thing that can make you happy? I wish I could answer these questions. I know in time they will be answered. Im impatient, I know. But what can I do? I'm not sure if I can ever let go. One day it will be okay. I know it will.

"Kaitlin needs..."

I typed this into google today and the first thing that came up was "Kaitlin needs...herself a superman." I completely agree.

yeap

I hate happiness. It leaves me with a numbing emptyness.

wow

I wish you could feel my happiness right now. I'm bursting. My friends are the greatest. I love Lyssa, Caitlyn, Katherine, and Omar so much right now. They have no idea :D

RIP Cheeto :'(

My baby just died :'(

Our prom picture :)

This is my best friend Omar Perez and I during Prom 2010 :D

Reality.

I woke up this morning and found myself back in reality.

It hurt so much...