The end?

Its been two years. On the 16th it will be exactly two years. Two years since everything started with him. Two years of fighting off depression and creating more scars. I'm glad to be alive. Last year was a year of peace from him but I still haven't let him go. I said before that everything would get better and it did. I've successfully found a way to be happy. And, Devin is back in my life. Hopefully this time forever. She wrote me a letter and it made me cry. I went a year not being able to cry and now I cry too much. But in the letter she said she had found this blog. I had never intended for her to find it. I never really intended for anyone to find it. This blog has been my way of fighting off the pain from him. An online diary of everything that goes wrong or good in my life. I don't post as much as I used to. I rarely post anything anymore. When I found out art affects me the way it does, I started drawing every time I thought about hurting myself. Now, its just a happiness that keeps me happy. I guess I'm finished with this blog. Then again, a few months from now I could post something else.

The end..

Last night I broke up with Dustin. I feel like I may have made the wrong choice. He deserves better than me. He deserves someone who is smart and analytical like him. I'm not like that. Our relationship was more like a friendship than a relationship. I didn't want to hurt him. I'm beyond worried about him now because of that. Hes hurt and I am too. I wish he could see that he is better than I could ever ask for. All I can hope for is that he sees that without hating me. I will always love him.

Gotye

Today is February 20th 2012. Its so weird how fast time has flown by. Yesterday was mine and Dustin's one year anniversary. Holy cow. Its like yesterday we just met. Going to tech every other day, and on the other days I'm working at First Methodist Preschool Nursery. I want a job at Bilo though. :/ Things have changed a lot with me and my old friend who I have spoken about in previous entries. At midnight last night I found the courage to text her just to see if she would reply. I had no intentions of starting a conversation but her response ticked me off and after a while of that, she guessed it was me... I've never really missed someone so much. I mean, I have. But, its just not like this. I missed "him" but we're just best friends now. There is this song that I have been listening to lately. Its called: Somebody That I Used To Know by Gotye. Apparently that is pronounced "Got Cha" xD I love the guys voice on here. But its like 70s and 80s rock on acid. I love it oddly enough. Lol. But for whomever reads this, check Gotye out. Its definitely worth it. And if you don't think so, I'm sorry. :/

Dreams

So I had this dream last night that was really strange. But not like the usual strange. It was so realistic and even though I woke up once, it kept going.
I was in some college with huge bunk style dorms. I lived at the end of the hall on te third floor. Ciera lived at the other end where the windows were. The front of the building had abstract windows but was the only wall to have windows to the outside at all. Next to the college was a small daycare where I had my own class but for some reason, everything I would do was wrong. There was a girl there who was my helper but in the middle of craft time with the class she fell asleep but didn't wake up. She was short with mid length brown hair and really tiny. She looked sort of islamic; the way her face was structured and she had dark brown eyes. After she fell asleep everyone true to wake her up. She was still breathing but nothing would work. Her family took her back to the dorm and called a doctor. He told them that if they fitfully tried to wake her up there was a chance she could die. I went to ciera's dorm after this and things kind of become blurry. I remember talking to her about this guy she liked and looking at pictures that the college had taken and seeing a group picture of me, Ciera, Ethan, jodie, and Andrew all smiling and having fun at some school activity. After this I remember going back to my dorm and seeing the girl and her family and going up to her and seeing her sleeping. She woke up when I came close and everyone just looked at her. I remember telling her that she had missed Halloween and Christmas and that I missed her. She smiled at me and stood up and asked to go to the party that was being held on the first floor with me. We changed clothes and went down stairs and she told me about her life. He had moved her with her family from some unknown country three years ago. She had a cat names jester and loved the smell of cherry blossom trees when it rained. She had had sleeping problems her whole life but had never slept longer than a week until now. She talked about death and how it didn't upset her anymore. She said if death was anything like her dreams then it wouldn't be so bad. I got upset and told her that I didn't want her to die. By then we were at the door for the first floor. She pushed it open and everyone was dancing and running around. The whole first floor looked like the community center when it's set up for gymnastics. Ethan and Ciera was there and I saw someone rollin around on a mat. Again the dream gets slightly blurry but I see the girl sitting in a chair looking like she is about to fall asleep. I ran to her and she said she couldn't stay awake. I picked her up and carried carried her up the stairs and the whole time trying to keep her awake. I asked her where she lived and she smiled and said across the highway to the left and then fly upward. It made no sence but all I was concerned about was getting her back to the dorm awake. When we got to the third floor she told me she loved me and that I was the only person to show that they cared about her. When we got to the dorm I laid her down and her family pushed me away. Ciera came in and asked if I wanted to go to her room to talk awhile. When we got there she showed me a picture of her and Ethan. I don't know why though. While I was looking at it, the fire alarm went off. Me and ciera ran into the hallway and it was so crowded. I saw the girls parents but not her. Ciera saw smoke rising around us. I started pushing through the crowd to get to my dorm where the girl was to make sure her family had her and she was safe. The lights suddenly went out an I was the only one with a phone that was bright enough to help everyone out. I figured that the girl was safe and everything was okay. Everyone crowed outside as we all filed out of the building. After this I remember hearing someone say that the girls family had set our dorm on fire so that they wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. The end of my dream I was the girl walking out of the building and I ran to her. She smiled at me an said she was alive now and dissolved into the air. I woke up and the first thing I thought was why hadn't I saved her. Not why did I have a dream line this but I was upset because I hadn't saved her.

Anyway, this was the dream I had today. What it means, I don't know. But it was too realistic. :/

Nine months

So, Its been a while since I've posted anything. Things have definitely changed. I still love Dustin but things are different. I'm going to Tech two days out of my life every week and working at a daycare part time. I need a better job. I really don't have a best friend or really even a friend that I am super close to any more. I have Ciera but I'm still just getting to know her better. Although things seem pretty rough through my eyes right now, I'm pretty thankful that it isn't worse. I went to church today for the first time with my family in about two years. It was really great. I loved it there. Everyone was so welcoming. Maybe things will start looking up from here on out. I just need to learn to forgive and forget some things and I think I will be okay... Hopefully. 

Let it be

It's amazing how much people change. Relationships end and new ones begin and all the while you're becoming who you're suppose to be. I met my match seven months ago and I am completely and utterly in love with him. I never knew love like this existed. I never realized I could be this happy for so long. Dustin has turned my life into the love story I always wanted. He's my superman. He saved me from myself. I've changed into someone happier and more outspoken about my problems. Although that has become a problem with a friend of mine lately it really doesn't bother me. Every relationship I have ever had, wether it be love or friendship, I have put my whole heart into. I'll always love Dustin.

Baby I'm amazed by you.

It's been a while since I've written anything. I'm still extremely happy and in love. It amazes me at how perfect Dustin and I are for each other. I haven't felt this way in so long. Just thinking about him gives me butterflies. He is the most amazing boyfriend in the world. It has been two months and we have not fought or argued at all. We are so happy when we are together and miss each other more than anything when we are apart. I am so lucky to have someone like him in my life. I couldn't love anyone more.

Turnaround

Since my last post things have just gotten better and better. I couldn't be happier. I'm going to two proms this year and my dress is amazingly beautiful. FCA camp is tomorrow through sunday and I really hope my walk with god will strengthen.

Dustin Thomas Schauer

This year has been great so far. My best friend, Devin introduced me to this absolutely wonderful guy. His name is Dustin. We met for the first time three weeks ago and we've been dating for almost two weeks now :) it makes me so happy knowing that not all guys are the same. He's amazing and in my eyes he's perfect. I haven't been this happy in over a year. I'm so thankful Devin introduced us.

146

I have 146 days to lose 80lbs. I can do it. I want to be skinny by the time I graduate. I know I can do this. I've already lost 10lbs. :)

Happiness is only a tear drop away.

After all these months of loving and hating and missing the guy I had fallen hardest for I believe it's safe to say that I am finally free. He's not my best friend anymore. He never really was I guess. A best friend doesn't make you want to commit suicide or hurt and use you. A best friend helps fix you when you're broken, make you laugh when you feel like crying, knows you like the back of your hand. He was never any of that. He never will be either. I Feel better knowing that it's finally over. It's been a long and terrible eight months. My puppet strings are finally gone and I'm proud to say that I am almost happy again. New year, new me. I'm definitely hoping for the best :)

Welcome 2011..

Oh how a pain in the ass 2010 was! I'm happy the year is changing. I'm not happy that I wasted a whole year on him though... A friend of mine finally said something to him... She thought I would be mad but I'm not. He was my sweetest downfall and what I called my best friend. Best friends don't use each other and hurt the other until the point of being suicidal. I loved him. My world revolved around him. I just want to be happy again. This mark of the new year I choose to change. I may forgive too much but he'll always be my friend. I don't want a relationship with him. I don't really want anything to do with him right now. I don't hate him. I just don't want to hurt any longer. I'm only human. So, I'm bringing in the new year without him. Without false hopes and without hurt. 2011 will be different. :)

And so, I wait..

I wait for answers.
I'm confused and left standing every time.
Yet, I wait for him.

And out came words.

ITS SNOWING!!! Wow. The day it snows WOULD be the day that someone finally listens to me. :) I'm not complaining though. It felt good to finally cry and be able to speak.

What should I write?

I haven't written much lately. I should be happy about a LOT of stuff but, I just can't think straight I guess. I won grand prize in the annual Christmas card contest, my best friend has started talking to me again, and I won most considerate for my senior superlative. But yet, I can't be completely happy at all. Its really weird. I got this HUGE blue bow for my Christmas card being the grand prize and my picture in the newspaper and everything. For once people are seeing me for what I'm good at. For doing what I love to do. I drew out the marionette because that was how i felt. But the marionette was abused for so long that she knows noting else. Yet again she drags herself back to his strings... oh well. At least my best friend is talking to me again... The girl best friend. Not the guy.

Na Na Na (Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na)

YES!!! My Chemical Romance is BACK!!! xD Gerard dyed his hair red though :(
Their new single is alright. Not as good as I'm not okay( I promise) But it will have to do until the complete album of Danger Days comes out so then I can make a full judgement of how well I like it xD

So, here ya go, the official video of Na Na Na (Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na) :D Have fun!
Crap... It won't let me add the video -.- Heres the link if you wish to click it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egG7fiE89IU&feature=related

Puppet master

I forgive too easily. I allow him to use me like his puppet. I'm broken and torn yet he uses me only when he wants me. he has a puppet that he uses all the time but I am only the back up. I am the one he plays with when the other is away or put back in her case. What he doesn't realize is that he is slowly killing me. Right now I would rather be dead. It hurts so much. Why do I allow this? I was okay for about two months. Then, it started again... He is the puppet master and I am his Marionette. I wish he would just go ahead and dispose of me.. Never use me again. I could stop this, but I won't... I love him.

The night I wrote this I drew a picture of how I was feeling. Its kind of creepy if you look deeply into it but its the truth. So, here it is:
(Btw, if you steal it and claim it as yours I will personally drive to your house and kill you :))

Friends?

Why is it that I never see my best friends anymore? :(
Lyssa is constantly doing homework or studying or trying to find more ways to get the navy scholarship through ROTC. I only see her at church. I see Omar in math class and at lunch and youth when I go but we never hang out any more. I have a ton of friends but I hardly see Lyssa and Omar. I haven't seen Keith since the summer of 2009 and I can only hope that he comes back with Omar next summer... I talk to my friends all the time but my best friends on rare occassions. I hate this. My best friends know me, my friends only know what I tell them...

Colleges

Soooo Matt is kind of a stalker type xD oh well. Who needs a boyfriend anyway? I received a confirmation letter from Columbia College saying that they had received my application. I now need to apply to USC Aiken, Winthrop, Francis Marion, and USC Beaufort. Although I may end up going to Tech for two years :/

OCTOBER!! I'm getting slack with my blog

Its October 6th and I am happy to say that I no longer have feelings for Mr.Jerk! Lol. I met this guy named Matt. Hes so nice :D I'm so happy! School is going great! I turned in my application to Columbia College SC yesterday!