Welcome 2011..

Oh how a pain in the ass 2010 was! I'm happy the year is changing. I'm not happy that I wasted a whole year on him though... A friend of mine finally said something to him... She thought I would be mad but I'm not. He was my sweetest downfall and what I called my best friend. Best friends don't use each other and hurt the other until the point of being suicidal. I loved him. My world revolved around him. I just want to be happy again. This mark of the new year I choose to change. I may forgive too much but he'll always be my friend. I don't want a relationship with him. I don't really want anything to do with him right now. I don't hate him. I just don't want to hurt any longer. I'm only human. So, I'm bringing in the new year without him. Without false hopes and without hurt. 2011 will be different. :)

And so, I wait..

I wait for answers.
I'm confused and left standing every time.
Yet, I wait for him.

And out came words.

ITS SNOWING!!! Wow. The day it snows WOULD be the day that someone finally listens to me. :) I'm not complaining though. It felt good to finally cry and be able to speak.

What should I write?

I haven't written much lately. I should be happy about a LOT of stuff but, I just can't think straight I guess. I won grand prize in the annual Christmas card contest, my best friend has started talking to me again, and I won most considerate for my senior superlative. But yet, I can't be completely happy at all. Its really weird. I got this HUGE blue bow for my Christmas card being the grand prize and my picture in the newspaper and everything. For once people are seeing me for what I'm good at. For doing what I love to do. I drew out the marionette because that was how i felt. But the marionette was abused for so long that she knows noting else. Yet again she drags herself back to his strings... oh well. At least my best friend is talking to me again... The girl best friend. Not the guy.

Na Na Na (Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na)

YES!!! My Chemical Romance is BACK!!! xD Gerard dyed his hair red though :(
Their new single is alright. Not as good as I'm not okay( I promise) But it will have to do until the complete album of Danger Days comes out so then I can make a full judgement of how well I like it xD

So, here ya go, the official video of Na Na Na (Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na) :D Have fun!
Crap... It won't let me add the video -.- Heres the link if you wish to click it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egG7fiE89IU&feature=related

Puppet master

I forgive too easily. I allow him to use me like his puppet. I'm broken and torn yet he uses me only when he wants me. he has a puppet that he uses all the time but I am only the back up. I am the one he plays with when the other is away or put back in her case. What he doesn't realize is that he is slowly killing me. Right now I would rather be dead. It hurts so much. Why do I allow this? I was okay for about two months. Then, it started again... He is the puppet master and I am his Marionette. I wish he would just go ahead and dispose of me.. Never use me again. I could stop this, but I won't... I love him.

The night I wrote this I drew a picture of how I was feeling. Its kind of creepy if you look deeply into it but its the truth. So, here it is:
(Btw, if you steal it and claim it as yours I will personally drive to your house and kill you :))

Friends?

Why is it that I never see my best friends anymore? :(
Lyssa is constantly doing homework or studying or trying to find more ways to get the navy scholarship through ROTC. I only see her at church. I see Omar in math class and at lunch and youth when I go but we never hang out any more. I have a ton of friends but I hardly see Lyssa and Omar. I haven't seen Keith since the summer of 2009 and I can only hope that he comes back with Omar next summer... I talk to my friends all the time but my best friends on rare occassions. I hate this. My best friends know me, my friends only know what I tell them...

Colleges

Soooo Matt is kind of a stalker type xD oh well. Who needs a boyfriend anyway? I received a confirmation letter from Columbia College saying that they had received my application. I now need to apply to USC Aiken, Winthrop, Francis Marion, and USC Beaufort. Although I may end up going to Tech for two years :/

OCTOBER!! I'm getting slack with my blog

Its October 6th and I am happy to say that I no longer have feelings for Mr.Jerk! Lol. I met this guy named Matt. Hes so nice :D I'm so happy! School is going great! I turned in my application to Columbia College SC yesterday!

Oh how happy I am! :D

The first two weeks have been GREAT! I have more confidence this year and more of a I don't give a crap about what other people say about me attitude. I'm so tired of being pushed aside because I'm to nice and forgiving and I'm so shy and quiet. I hate that. I love being nice and forgiving but along with that comes the shy and quietness. I hate being shy. I ran for homecoming court Friday. I have a big chance of actually making it :) I really hope I did. Everyone could see a different side of me then. Sort of. I really hope that this school year only gets better. I'm no longer worrying about guys and having a boyfriend. They all suck in Cheraw anyway.

New School Year :)

So our Internet was struck by lightning about two weeks ago and I have not been able to post anything :( Luckily, its fixed now and I am able to finish college applications so my aunt won't jump down my throat again xD
Anyway, I have started my Senior year in high school! When we first received our schedules I found that I had NO electives and my dismissal started at 12:30. So I asked for another class and now I have Image Editing! :D I get to go home with my friend Hadley every day after school and that's a lot of fun considering that shes a reckless driver. My classes are 1p- Art1 Rayfield 2p- Spanish3 Palmera 3p- Prob&Stat Cannon 4p- Chemistry2 Allison 5p- English4 Pierce 6p- ImEd Morgan :) I really like my classes this year. Well, all except my Chemistry class. There are a bunch of ignorant immature people in there and I only have one friend :/ So that really sucks. I love my English class! Mrs. Pierce is sooo funny! I'm really glad that I have her instead of Mrs.Allan or whoever else is teaching English4. :)

Columbia College SC!

AHHHH!!!! I've already put in my application to hereee!!! I can't believe I already have my number one almost fully taken care of. Just need to get my reference letters in :D I REALLY want to get into this college. I'm going to visit Columbia College campus tomorrow! You have no idea how excited I am. Its almost scary at how obsessed I am with it. I love Columbia College. Just everything about it is everything I want in a college! Their mascot is the Koala ^.^ Its so cute! The fighting Koalas <3 I need to make a gooooooddddd SAT score to get the scholarship money that I need for it. If I'm not accepted I may flip out a little too much xD I'm also planning on applying to Erskine, Winthrop, Lander, and my aunt wants me to apply to USC although I really don't want to go there. I have Columbia College on my mind and I just cant seem to get rid of it :3

three words

So through the events this summer I didn't think that I would ever be okay again. Really. I mean I knew I would be happy again but I never really thought that I could truly be okay again. Then I met this guy and I really had no intentions of liking him. Then through days of talking to him and late night conversations, I've started to really fall for him. But today he told me he loved me... I broke down. I don't know whats wrong with me. Finally someone who wont use me and I run from him. I really like him. But I can't tell him I love him. I still love the guy I've spent my whole summer worrying about...I can't not. I hate myself right now. I just don't know whats wrong with me at all.

Finally.

I can finally say that I am okay. And knowing that, makes me beyond happy.

Wow.

It has officially been three weeks now since hes been gone. I miss him. Hes suppose to come home this week. I hope so anyway. Well, I don't know if him being home is a good thing or not. I need to move on with my life. I've spent the whole summer worrying about this.
I think I'm quiting marching band...I don't want to but I need to pull my gpa up this year without added stress.

I haven't died yet.

Its been two weeks. Two weeks which I can proudly say that have not driven me insane. I miss him more than anything though. Six hundred miles away isn't as far as I thought it would be. He hasn't forgotten me yet.

Update that doesn't make me happy...

So hes kinda in "yeah" with her probably having passionate "ughh" with her and I'm stuck here dying. :/ Even though sunday....was probably the best sunday ever for me since...yeah....

Makes Me Happy

Each day for the rest of the summer I will add on to this one post. It is called, Makes Me Happy. This is my way of fighting depression. I want you to see the things that make me happy each and every day.

June 14, 2010
The rain hitting my face right before the actual storm hits.

June 15
My 85 year old grandmother, who's strength has helped her to survive through life's toughest obstacles.

June 16
His love for me. Even though its wrong and causes most of my heartache, today, his love for me made me happy.

June 17
The caring and understanding of my best friend, Elyssa, made me happy.

June 18
Being in a peaceful environment and watching the stars out the window as I was falling asleep.

June 19
Seeing him today made me happy. And seeing the words which I've been saying for the past month and a half being said. Today just made me happy all around. :)

June 20
Being able to sing while he played guitar in a church that I was not accustomed to, made me happy.

June 21
My friend telling me that I was the only one of his friends he truly trusts and cares about made me happy.

June 22
Today....Today a trio of triplets made me happy.

June 23
Spending time with my grandmother made me happy

June 24-27
Talking to him even though he was so far away, made me happy.

June 28
Finding my old Journal and seeing how much I have grown up, made me happy.

June 29
Playing doctor with Tessa and remembering the happiness of adolescence, made me happy.

June 30
Some completely random guy telling me that I was very pretty, made me happy.

July 1
Spending time with my mom and sister in Florence, made me happy.

July 2
Going to watch fireworks with Michelle on her birthday, made me happy.

July 3
Sitting in my room hearing the sounds I can make on my guitar, made me happy.

July 4
My best friend Lyssa calling and waking me up and then making me spend the WHOLE day with her, made me extremely happy. Best forth of July ever.

July 5
Talking to Keith on the phone while at the lake made my day completely better.

July 6-9
Spending time with my grandmother and helping her in her garden made me happy.

July 10
Although nothing really made me happy today, my friend Hadley telling me that through everything, she would always be here for me, THAT made me happy.

July 11
Rekindling a friendship that the majority of the summer ruined made me happy.

July 12
Hadley leaving a wall post about her likes, dislikes, and confessions make me super happy to have such an amazing friend like her.

July 13
Getting my Paramore tickets in the mail made me happy. Lol.

July 14
Finding acceptance made me happy.

July 15
My friend helping me through a depression bolt made me happy.

July 16
Learning from my mistakes made me happy

July 17
Making friends with the enemy made me happy. Lol. And meeting a guy who made me happier than I have been, made me really happy.

July 18
Being able to see him at church and not breaking down made me happy.

July 19
Spending time with my other grandmother with alzheimers and her telling me things that she could remember still, made me happy.

July 20
Air conditioner made me happy xD

July 21
Talking to Trey made me happy :)

July 22
A full nights sleep made me happy.

July 23
Seeing Tegan and Sara as well as Paramore Live in concert made me extremely happy.

July 24
Trey telling me that he loved me made me happy...but also sad in a way.

July 25 & 26
Sitting at home all day two days made me happy.

July 27
Practicing with Jon today made me happy.

(ummm...I kind of forgot these days >.<)

August 12
Knowing that I have already put in an application into my number one on my list of colleges makes me super duper happy :D

Summer...

So I haven't posted anything on here in a while. This summer started out really bad. But slowly and gradually it has made its way to being almost acceptable. I'm excited about the mission trip at the end of this month as well as the Paramore concert in July. I miss being at school with my friends. It sucks sitting at home all day with no one to talk to or even if I can talk to them I can't go hang out with them because they are on freaking vacation. :/ I wish my family would go on vacation.

Best friend?

Hes my best friend. Hes my best friend. Hes my best friend. Hes my best friend. Hes my best friend...How many times do I need to tell myself this before I start feeling that way towards him instead of being in love with him? Ughhh. Maybe a hundred more times will work? Hes my best friend. Hes my best friend. Hes my best friend...No, maybe a thousand will work...Hes my best friend...Its not going to work. I give up. I can't stop loving him...Maybe pretending to be will help...

Fly away with me tonight...

I told you something bad would happen. And it did. Of course, it always does. I have realized today that saying that you are in love is just another way of saying that you are afraid of being alone. I started looking into the Peace Corps today. I might actually do it. I need to be far far away from this small town. If life was a fairytale and in a snap of my fingers I could be gone, I would definitely fly away and live among the clouds and stars. Somewhere where no one could find me. And love is only an image of heartache and sadness.

11:53am

Its funny when you realize that the one person you know you can't have you find yourself griping onto harder than anyone else. You know that no matter how perfect you feel at that one moment everything will change as soon as they realize you were the mistake. But I guess that's life. No matter how hard you try to change things so you can have the better end of the deal something goes wrong. If life was a fairytale none of it would be like this. You would always have the better end of the deal. And griping on to someone wouldn't be necessary because you would already have them.

O Romeo?

I have been trying to limit myself as to how many posts I put up each week. I can't help it. I just love posting things that I pray to god that I hope no one reads. Haha. Its funny seeing that I now have followers. Its just kind of weird. I never intended for anyone to read any of my posts.
Right now I am sitting in the library trying not to go back to band. We are doing absolutely NOTHING in band right now. Then again it is the last Friday before school is over for my Junior year. Very big unhappy face to that. Its hard to believe that next year I will be a senior and then my high school career will be over. Its also hard to see that guy that I like so much going away for two weeks this summer. I have bad feelings about it. I know when he comes back he won't feel the same way anymore. And it really hurts. But I know I should have started backing away from him long before now.
My situation with him right now is just like one of the greatest lines out of Shakespeare's: Romeo and Juliet.

O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love
And I'll no longer be a Capulet.

Reflection

I walked past the mirror in my room today and saw someone I didn't know. I turned around and looked at myself closely. The girl in the reflection wasn't me. I looked older, maturer. It scared me. Seeing my reflection today was like a bomb dropping. I have finally realized that, yes, I am growing up. I've never wanted to grow up. I've always wanted to live like Peter Pan in Neverland. The land of pirates and children and fairies. The land where growing up is only a myth. I know this sounds completely childish but growing up is my biggest fear beside being alone. I guess in a way I've caused this on myself. I searched for a job and now have one. I have looked at colleges and found one that I'm in love with. I have also selected a major after of years of being undecided. I've thought about life outside of school. And I've learned that in order to get on with life some things must be let go. Like friends and habits. Without realizing it, I have grown up. I may work at a nursery, but I work. Not just babysitting or playing on the playground. I have a job. I take trash out, sweep the floor, clean the bathrooms, vacuum the floors, and mop. And I've found a new appreciation for scented trash bags! Although, every now and then, you can catch me with a shovel and a bucket in the sandbox creating sand castles with the kids. I may have grown up but my childish nature will forever live with me. The little things will always amaze me. And Toys R Us will always be my favorite store. :)

More questions

How do you tell someone that you don't like them without hurting their feelings? How can you be mean when your soul eats you alive every time you do something bad? How can you dislike someone so much yet when you find something that isn't right you tell them to save them from utter embarrassment? I wish I was mean.

Ghost Whisper?

Are you serious? They have canceled the ONLY show I watch on TV?!! Wow. First they take away Kyle XY now they've gone and taken away Ghost Whisper. Thanks. I guess for now on I'll just not watch ANY television. xD

Ughhhhh.

I hurt the ones who love me but love the ones who hurt me. Shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't know what to do. My ex told me last night that if anyone really cared about me then they wouldn't have hurt me... He is right. I loved this guy I couldn't have who hurt me. I cared deeply about this girl who was my best friend and she hurt me... But what he doesn't realize is that he has hurt me as well. Three years ago. And the last time I was actually happy was two weeks ago. And it only lasted four days. There is a song called "Your Face" as well as a song called "A Drop in the Ocean" That describe everything right now. I don't want to lose the memories of the guy I liked but I also don't want the pain of this anymore. He helped me get over my friend leaving me. How do I deal with this? I want him to remain my best friend. But I want to love him as well. It isn't just something you can get over in a day.

Ich liebe ihn

There is sooo much I want to say in this blog but I just KNOW that I can't. Like for example: This amazing guy..
If only he could see himself the way I see him. Hes beyond hansome, Graceful, Loving,...Perfect. I love him. If only he could see all of this. How my day instantly becomes better as soon as he walks into the room. Or how just a glance from him I forget every bad thing that happened to me that day. I love him...

Toys from the '90s :D

Do you remember the Sit N' Spin? What about the original Polly Pocket? Or maybe the Easy Bake Oven? Oh! What about Cooties?! If only kids born today would have the joy of these toys. Now kids have the luxury of the sit n spin with added music and lighting effects giving parents around the world extreme migraines. And polly pocket is now BIGGER with added slutty features and rubber clothes! The easy bake oven is always getting better and you never hear about Cooties anymore. I'm glad I was born in 1992. I had plenty of time to appreciate the happiness of amazing toys!

5/12/2010

Today has been better but not in the way that I wish. How can I love someone that I can't have? I barely even know that answer. I just keep praying that god will help me through this. I know he will. Things will get better. I just have to keep my head up.

Questions.

What do you do when you love someone that you can't have? Do you just forget about it or move on no matter how much they are on your mind? What If they are all you think about and the only thing that can make you happy? I wish I could answer these questions. I know in time they will be answered. Im impatient, I know. But what can I do? I'm not sure if I can ever let go. One day it will be okay. I know it will.

"Kaitlin needs..."

I typed this into google today and the first thing that came up was "Kaitlin needs...herself a superman." I completely agree.

yeap

I hate happiness. It leaves me with a numbing emptyness.

wow

I wish you could feel my happiness right now. I'm bursting. My friends are the greatest. I love Lyssa, Caitlyn, Katherine, and Omar so much right now. They have no idea :D

RIP Cheeto :'(

My baby just died :'(

Our prom picture :)

This is my best friend Omar Perez and I during Prom 2010 :D

Reality.

I woke up this morning and found myself back in reality.

It hurt so much...

Prom 2010 (:

I haven't posted much lately. bleh. I've been helping with Prom Staff on creating the prom. I hurt ALL over. Omg. On the bright side prom is looking GREAT. i'll post a picture of my date and I saturday. I'm so excited. I'm going with my best friend, Omar. This is GREAT!

Woot!!!

NEW PHOTOSHOP PICTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It took me two days to create(four hours altogether) I LOVE it! :D

new poem...yeah it sucks.

Dreamer

She was a dreamer
a wonderer
a believer.
In her mind
she would sail the shores
of unknown tides
she became the goddess Aphrodite
finding love within the forbidden
she was a princess in foreign lands.
But in reality,
she was quiet
complex
and forgettable
she lived
for the little things
things
not many appreciated
she had a love
down in her heart
a flame
she was constantly putting out.
the way he would look at her
would make
the flame grow.
his rare touch
would start a wild fire
she couldn't let it control her
she refused to let it
he would never feel the same.
to her,
he was her forbidden mortal
Adonis.
He was her prince in foreign lands.
her captain on her ship to anywhere.
but at last,
these were all dreams.
the little things
only her heart
could grasp onto.

Webpage Design :D

Okay so I'm sitting in Mr.Morgans class and thinking why not post my website on here? So, here is the link and I strongly recommend that you go look at it! Like NOW! :D
http://www.digitaldavo.com/students/berrykm/index.html

Oh! Btw! I made that vvvv ;D

holy crapoli!

My blog is soooooo flipping depressing! I just read through a lot of them >.< this is horrible. I need to start posting happy thoughts. Haha. This will start tomorrow!

happier?

Bleh. Maybe? Idk. How should I handle this? I haven't got the slightest clue. Maybe things will get better from here on out. I need a job. I need to get into a good college. I need a LOT of things. Bleh. Oneday it will get better, I know this as a fact.

You never know what you've got until it's gone...

Have you ever heard that saying? What if you know what you've got but then its gone? That's when the pain is worse. You know they have actually proven recently that you can actually die of a broken heart. ( http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A11446-2005Feb9.html ) Bob Stein from the Washington Post wrote on valentines day that

"A traumatic breakup, the death of a loved one or even the shock of a surprise party can unleash a flood of stress hormones that can stun the heart, causing sudden, life-threatening heart spasms in otherwise healthy people...The phenomenon can trigger what seems like a classic heart attack and can put victims at risk for potentially severe complications and even death, the researchers found. By giving proper medical care, however, doctors can mend the physical aspect of a "broken heart" and avoid long-term damage."

This did not surprise me not one bit. Break-ups, death, losing a friend all cause someone to feel sudden pain that can last for long periods of time. it can also cause long term depression which can lead to vertigo. What do we do now? How can we stop this? The answer is, we can't.

Todays realization...

Today I have realized that I am doing horribly in Spanish class and my best friend speaks Spanish fluently. -.- Well this is just great. Haha.


Btw, HAPPY EASTER!!! :D

(please click the bunny to view his awesomeness :) I did not make him btw)

blah blah :/

I want to write something today but I can't think of anything to say. :/ so Blah Blah Blahhh :)

adding on to yesterday...

So, I definitely do not hate her. I just have finally realized a LOT of stuff that I was blinded by. For the longest time I have always thought of what I had done wrong. What I could have possibly said to make things this way. Never looking at what could have been wrong that she had done. I never wanted to see that. I still don't. But knowing her she probably blames me or is trying to find other excuses to why it could be me. She always told me what was wrong with me. And each and every time I would try to fix it. I'd tell her that I wouldn't be that way and she would say yeah right. I was blinded by everything because I loved her. I loved her like my sister. She was someone I really cared for. And because I cared so much for her I truly hurt now. I'm stronger than I was but I'm not completely sane again. In a way, I understand now.

(suppose to be) outfit for dads concert...

This is what I was GOING to wear but didn't because the shirt didn't come in the mail on time :/

I have officially decided on what I am going to wear to my dads "Rock" concert.(He's in a band named Idlewilde South) After weeks of contemplating this I have officially Polyvore'd what I am wearing(thank god!) Hope you like! ((you gots to clicky on it!))


Find me on Polyvore

Everything is actually very cheap...well except that headband. But I've already made one similar to it so no problem there! :D

Saint Patrick's Day!!!

HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY EVERYONE!!!

blah blah blah

So I'm trying to be more of myself lately rather than let people control and comform me. I've cut my hair, pierced my ears, and I have fallen in what I believe is love. So far this year my so called "bestfriend" left me. for four long months she didn't barely even speak to me and she did this because she was moving. Why the heck would you leave your best friend if you were MOVING?! It really hurt me. I went into a sort of depression but slowly I have gotten out of it.This summer I'm going to visit Laura in Florida and i've found this awesome bathing suit! xD seeee? Okay so i'm signing off for a little bit and i'll blog some more within the days to come! :D